Project "Me"

I find it amazing how long it takes some people to truly get to know themselves.

I'm twenty-three, and I'm still having self-revelations.

Of course, I've only been a twenty-three married woman for a little over a year.

So I'm finding out new things about myself.

Some I like and some I really don't like.

 

I heard something from Joyce Meyer today that really made me think.

 

"You decide how you are going to live, and your feelings will eventually catch up with it later"

~Joyce Meyer

What decisions am I making in my life about myself and how is it affecting me, my life,  my relationships, my friendships, and how will it affect my kids?

I always remember being insecure.
I don't remember a time when I didn't call myself fat and didn't like anything something about myself.
The only time I remember being confident and competent was when I was on the ball-field playing softball. I rocked at being catcher and 1st baseman. That isn't conceit. I knew I was good and knew I could do my jobs there. Despite the fact I was one of the biggest girls on the field, despite the fact that I was also probably the shyest out there as well, I could play my positions and play them well.

How come I've never felt that way about myself outside 1st base or behind home plate?
How come I've never been satisfied with the way I look?
Why is it I get intimated about things I feel I am not good at?
Why do I constantly worry about what my husband thinks or depend on his approval?
What is so wrong with me, that for years, I've put myself down for one thing or another?

Nothing...
Nothing is wrong with me.

I read this quote and stuck it in my little journal...

"Sometimes the hardest person to impress is yourself"
~Unknown

How true this is.
Sometimes, we have this picture in our head of what we are supposed to be.
Sometimes, we get this picture in our heads that this is what our spouse wants us to be,
that they aren't satisfied with us as we are.

Whether or not they are, I'm realizing that I don't want to depend on my husbands approval,
which is how I've felt lately.
Not that I don't love my husband
Not that I don't want him to be attracted to me
Not that I don't want him to like the person I am
Not that I don't value his opinion
I just don't want to depend on this to make me happy and love myself.

So I'm starting a Project "Me"

Think of it like baking a cake

First I need to make the batter and bake the cake so I have a foundation.
I need to change my perspective on me.
I need to see me in a new light.
I need to accept things I can't change
And change those things I know I can
I need to approve of myself and depend on my own approval.

My conclusions of Myself...

1. I will never be a size two.
I just don't have the type of body that is made to be a size two
And that's OK.
There is nothing wrong with my size 8/10

2. I will always have things I don't like about myself
This shouldn't define me
or diminish how attractive I think I am.
It shouldn't diminish your attraction to your spouse either
If it does, this isn't your fault
He has the problem.
Because love shouldn't be based on how you look
After all, both husband and wife will grow old, turn gray, and have wrinkles.

3. Not everything is related to me
Some days it may feel like it
But as previously stated, the fault isn't always on you
Why do women (not all of us, but some) always initially think that because our spouse, said/done/whatever this, that its because we didn't do something right?
I'm not saying that us ladies never do anything wrong, I'm just saying it isn't always you or just you.

4. I'm not perfect
I make my own mistakes
I don't get the wrinkles out of the sheets before  bed
I get grumpy when I'm sleepy
I can be sensitive
I hate cleaning the bathroom
 I don't always put up my clothes after wearing them.
 And I have gained a few pounds over the past year
That doesn't make me a bad wife, it makes me a human.
It isn't a reason for someone to not love you,
It should be a reason they love you even more,
because then the two of you can be "not-perfect" together.

I recently told my husband that I didn't fall in love with him because of his perfection, physical or otherwise.
I fell in love with W.D, the man
His strengths and weaknesses
His past successes and failures
His stubbornness and mischief
For his smile, even when it isn't there...

Why shouldn't I just accept that he loves me the same,
even if I don't look like a VS Model
Even if my but looks big that pair of jeans,
Even if I don't have that flat, sleek tummy (are those real, they look plastic)
Even if I have bad hair/makeup days
Or on the days I don't wear makeup
With five extra pounds or subtracting five pounds

 

 And if he doesn't, should that really alter the way I see myself?

So why did I feel the need to say all of this?

Because I am pregnant, and while I'm super excited and love the idea of a little life coming from myself and the love of my life, my whole body is about to change.
I'll probably gain, if not half, than at least three-quarters of all the weight I'd lost when I was eighteen/nineteen.

Because my husband and I won't be twenty-something for forever, and I need to go ahead and accept that there will be changes physically in the future. I'll get wrinkles around my eyes, and my hair will turn gray, but that its OK. Because It shouldn't diminish my beauty towards someone who loves me, and it shouldn't diminish my self-worth to the point that I don't like myself.

Because I know I can't be the only one out there who worries about how they look to their spouse, what the future holds and what he'll think then, so maybe my slight embarrassment over this post will help someone else discover their own beauty, acceptance and self-worth.

I know this has been an extremely long post, and for that I apologize.
I hope in some way it has given you hope and encouragement as it has for me writing it.
I hope that when you get home, wake up in the morning, or just walk into the bathroom at work and see yourself, that you see something beautiful, something worth having, a treasure made up entirely of flaws and perfections, strengths and weaknesses.

My sister made this statement to me, and I'll end with it...

"There isn't a such thing as an ugly person...
That is just a word society came up with to define something that didn't meet their criteria"

Don't sweat not meeting their standards.
For them it is all about making you feel bad.
The worse you feel about yourself, the more you will try to "fix" yourself, which means more money for them.
You should make yourself feel good because the better you feel, the happier you are with your life,
And you only have one of those to live.

Have a beautiful Day! :)