Breaking the Chains of Insecurity

I played softball at a rec park for four years.

I loved every minute of it.

I didn't start off as a great player, but I excelled quickly.

 

 

By my second year, I was one of the first picks during the drafts.

I'm not trying to sound conceited.

I'm just explaining that softball was something I was good at.

When I stepped onto that field, glove in hand, I owned it.

I knew what I was doing. I was confident.

When I was in my catcher's position or on first base I was practically at home.

 

Why am I saying all of this?

Because it was the one thing in life I knew I was good at, that I was confident in.

I didn't feel insecure in my playing or position or about my physical appearance.

(I was probably about 195 lbs. then, and left the field with an orange face from my catchers helmet)

 

If only it was that easy in all things?

 

I could name a million things that I'm not good at.

I could also name a million things that I don't try because I know I'm not good at them.

And I could name a million things I haven't tried or done because of physical insecurities.

 

Insecurities hold you back from so much.

I spent three years of high school being invisible and only spending time with people I knew and only doing things with those people that I knew. I didn't start stepping outside of my box until senior year, which meant I wasted three of those years because I was insecure and unsure.

 

 

I'm a lot better than I used to be. I came out of my shell a lot more my senior year and throughout college. However, I find that there are still a lot of things I still won't do or try, and all of fear.

 

Fear of failure

Fear of looking stupid

Fear of people seeing all the things that are wrong with me

Fear of people seeing me fail

Fear of putting myself out there

Fear, fear and more fear.

 

 

I've decided it is time to challenge that fear.

To break the chains of insecurities, and stop letting the fear of it all keep me from trying things.

 

Thinking of all of this brought on the idea of challenging myself.

It is easy to say that I will change, and never really try to do it.

So I thought of starting a 30 Days of Change Challenge for myself.

I'm not saying you can break a habit you have had your entire life in 30 days, but I have to start somewhere. The child that I will be holding in my arms come October has opened my eyes to a lot of revelations about myself, and has also brought on a lot of motivation. I don't want my daughter to grow up under a woman who is scared of doing and trying new things. Who is negative about herself and insecure/unsure. If I'm not good at something, that is okay.  But I at least want my daughter to see that I tried it, and if it didn't turn out the best, then that is okay. I can just try again. If I put on a few pounds or my face breaks out or whatever, I still want my daughter to see me being confident whether at home or out in public.

 

 

My challenge isn't specific.

I don't have an organized idea of change for each day.
And I'll repeat the same challenges on multiple days...

 

 like going out with less makeup.

That may not be a big deal to some people, but that is huge for me.

I've always had problem skin, and have scarring from it.

And lately, thanks to hormones and whatever else, I've been breaking again.

So I've always wanted to cover up, using makeup to hide what I have always seen as horrid flaws.

I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that makeup should be used to cover up what you think is ugly. Makeup should be used only to emphasize your natural beauty.

So the past few days I've only been going to work with just some bare mineral powder on to give my skin a chance to breathe and to force myself to accept the fact that this is my face, blemishes and all. It is the only one I got so I might as well accept it and love it for what it is and even for what it is not, while taking a little better care of it (makeup isn't always the best thing for your skin and sometimes it just needs a break).

 

Some people may not have the same insecurities that I do. However, whatever your insecurities are, I hope that you challenge yourself to break them. Insecurities have a way of controlling you without you even realizing it. They hold you back from trying things that you could end up enjoy doing and being good at. They force you into thinking that you aren't worth much or aren't beautiful enough. They place bars on your doors of opportunity, that should be freely and easily accessible.

 

 

 

Sorry for the serious posts this week... this week has been odd and full of self-revelations.

however, I hope in the process of my self-revelations that it helps, encourages, inspires, etc. someone else. It is hard stepping outside of one's comfort zone, but sometimes it is just necessary.