Is Seeing Believing... Or is Believing Seeing?

I was slipping. I knew I was. 

I couldn't remember the last time I read my Bible or prayed. Church was becoming monotonous. When I would cry to God, I felt like my prayers were bouncing back into my face. So many things had and were still changing. I was overwhelmed. I was depressed. I was stressed. I was bitter. I was doubting. I just wanted confirmation. Confirmation that God hadn't forgotten me, hadn't forgotten my family, or our circumstances. Yet, I was getting nothing from God. The longer I went without feeling him, without him giving me that confirmation I was longing for, the more cold I got. I was losing my faith in people, in church, AND in God. 

I wish I could say I handled it better than I did. I wish I could say that I bounced back quickly. I wish I could say that I hadn't  been a complete stubborn mule. 

But I can't. 

It was then I questioned....

Is seeing believing?

Or

Is believing seeing?

I was no longer sure. 

Looking back, I can see all of the warning signs God had been sending my way. At the time I'd brushed them off to coincidence or randomness. 

I can't recall how many times, throughout my life, I've heard the warnings preached about losing yourself. I've listened, most the time halfheartedly, about what could happen when your walk with God becomes shaky and ignored. It was like a cloud hanging over my head most of my life, because it felt threatening. It felt that if I got out of the will of God, that he would strike me down and take everything from me.

Even with all of that in my head, I knew I was losing the battle of optimism and faith. I knew I had my daughter to think of, my husband and our marriage, my lost loved ones, etc. Yet, it didn't seem as if anything could drag me from the mire of doubt and anger that I had gotten stuck in.

It wasn't until my lowest point that I realized just how far I'd gone in my doubt and bitterness. Just how lost I'd gotten in my anger and apathy. 

That is when it hit me, and I knew then, that if I didn't do something, I was going to lose, not just my walk with God and my faith in him, not just my loved ones, not just the security and peace over my husband, daughter and family, but I was going to lose myself.

With all of the changes that had occurred, I already felt lost. However, I knew that if I walked away from Him (God), that would be my downfall. After all, I was raised on faith in God and having a relationship with him. I was raised on leaning on him, and him being as much apart of you in your life as any family, friend, etc. It was in that time that I realized just how much apart of me he was. My identity was in him. And if I lost him, I lost who I was. 

So I started praying to him

*Side none*

For those of you who were raised to think, like me, that your praying has to be done on your knees for an hour for God to hear you... that isn't true.

*************

I prayed to him as I held my sleeping daughter. I prayed to him in the car, while I was driving from one place to another. I prayed to him when I was laying in the bed at night. I told him how sorry I was for my mistakes. I told him how broken I felt. I didn't know exactly what to do to get back on track. 

I mean... is it really that easy to just... start over?

All I could think was how, in our lives, saying "I'm sorry" doesn't always fix things. 

It doesn't erase the words or actions. 

It just meant you acknowledged the hurt of those words or actions and felt remorse for them. 

*smh*

Of course, God isn't on the same petty, human level that we are....

I remember a song that PCD (Phillips, Craig, and Dean) sang a long time ago, that I would sing in church. 

I thought that I had crossed the line
Walked away from love one time
Too many
I thought I'd used up all the grace
Set aside for my mistakes
So many
On my knees I found to my surprise
That your mercy renewed with the sunrise
You make Your mercy new every day...

How beautifully true this is... 

After all, didn't Jesus make the statement...

"For whether is easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins..." -Matthew 9:4-6. 

So is it really that easy to say "Lord I am sorry", and start over?

Yes.... yes it is. 

When we feel like it isn't, then it's not because God doesn't forgive us. 

It's because we don't forgive ourselves. 

We remember every downright, dirty deed. 

We remember every thought. 

We remember every angry word spoken. 

We remember every action. 

Thankfully, God doesn't. 

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

-Proverbs 103:12

So, while our memory is still fully intact, God has already forgotten it.

He has taken the chalkboard, so to speak, and has cleaned off all the dirty residue left from the chalk, and has made you squeaky clean again. 

Then it is up to you.

So, as I previously mentioned, I started praying. I picked up my Bible, and wiped the dust from it. 

I needed faith. I had a husband to encourage. I had a daughter to be an example to, though, she is still too young to understand. There were decisions I needed direction on. There was peace I needed to grasp a hold of. Did I mention needing faith?

Sometimes the journey back is instantaneous. You get your lightening bolt, and pick up where you left off. Other times, God wants you repaired slowly. God wants to know that you are willing to try. He can't always give you the lightening bolt, because then you will need to see to believe, when we all know that seeing doesn't always keep you believing. 

After all, the Israelite's saw the mighty works performed by God through Moses so that they could be led from Egypt. It wasn't long after that, when the "lightening bolts" were gone, that doubt set in. 

So... God has begun repairing me slowly. Though I had wanted the lightening bold as confirmation for so long, I am now content with my quiet moments. I'm content with the little bits of goodness and validation he drops on me when I least expect it. 

Do I still have problems, insecurities, trials, get angry, etc?

You betcha. 

But I'm finding my peace.

I'm finding my joy. 

I am looking at my life again with happiness. 

I finding courage, where it was previously missing. 

I don't have all of the answers.

But I know they will come in time. 

Or they may not, who knows God's reasoning. 

I just know that, whether I get the answers I want, I will trust him to know what he is doing.

I said all that I have, to say this...

When in anger,

When in bitterness,

When in doubt,

  remember...

Seeing isn't believing.

That mentality will only leave you disappointed.

However.... When you believe without seeing, then that belief opens your eyes to things you couldn't see before. 

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Hebrews 11:1

It's All About the Balance

It has been forever, since I've been on my blog. Nearly a year to be exact. Sad I know, but apparently, life happens, and you end up trying to find a new balance. Like right now, I should be doing school work, since I am still working on getting my Bachelor's degree. Except, my baby girl is still up. At this very moment she is crying in her crib, because she has already drank all of her bottle (for the second time) and is refusing to go to sleep, though she is tired. 

Needless to say, my school work isn't getting done. It is hard enough to focus on textbook jargon  when it is quiet, much less when your baby is crying and you are fighting the internal battle being waged of whether or not you should go give in and just rock her to sleep, or let her realize that it is okay for her to go to sleep by herself... without mommy. It is a battle I fight regularly... again... balance. 

Being a Mommy, Wife, Student, etc. is all about balance. After six years of college, three years of marriage, and one year of being a mommy, I have yet to really find it. 

That is okay, though. I am slowly learning. Thankfully, I've had help throughout the process. I'm not sure what I would have done without a very supportive husband and family. 

To all of you mommies who are just trying to manage life and trying to find that right balance... keep your head up. Sometimes the beauty of life is in the madness of it all. 

FYI... I lost the battle and rocked my baby to sleep... there's always tomorrow for her to learn ;)

Birthday Fun

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

 

I hope everyone is having a great week so far!

I must say, today is a much better day than yesterday was.

I totally bombed a test yesterday and then my baby had to have her four month shots. :(

What was even worse, was that it all happened on my husbands birthday!
I was totally stressed about my test and worried about finishing in time to take my baby to the doctor that I totally forgot to wish him Happy Birthday yesterday morning. I know... I should be wife of the year!

 

At least we got to celebrate his birthday on Saturday!

He turned the big 25, and this year I have celebrated four birthday's with him!

We threw him a "Gone Fishin" party Saturday evening.

 

 

 

I didn't get to put as much into it as I wanted because of finances, but It turned out pretty good.

The most important thing was that my husband had a good time!

 

How do you manage throwing a party on a budget! Any advice, for future reference, would be great!  :)

This and That

So I've been pretty much out of the blogger world since October, other than the letter to my  mom that I wrote a few days ago. I must say I have missed it. There are times you just need an outlet, whether a creative one, a venting one, an FYI one... whatever the case, sometimes you just need somewhere to let it all out. At least I do.

 

I couldn't possibly catch everyone up on all that has happened since my hiatus. So I won't even try. Better to just start fresh.

 

My day has consisted, mostly, of this little monkey.

 

Yes, I am the mother of a four month old -as of this coming Friday-, and Yes... she has found her toes. LOL

 

It is so funny watching her chew on her own little toesies! 



Addison and mommy

 

At the moment, I should be doing  some school work for my online classes. My brain is fried, though. Today has been long, so I'm pushing it off until tomorrow. Maybe I'll be able to work on it in between naps for my baby girl. It doesn't help that nap times only last about thirty to forty-five minutes at a time. She takes after her mommy. Mommy didn't like naps, either.

 

On top of entertaining my demanding little diva, I was working on a grocery list.

 

 

Yes, I coupon! Since I quit my  job to stay at home with Addison, our grocery budget is down to $60 a week. That includes, food, cleaning products, personal products, baby products, etc. When I'm going big on diapers, I usually exclude that out of my weekly budget. Needless to say, it is challenging to keep under $60, but I manage, for the most part. Shopping sales, and using those little babies has helped me keep my budget tremendously! I even managed to get two All Free and Clear laundry detergent for free a few weeks ago.

 

My husband told me tonight that he had told some of his co-workers at work that our grocery bill was sixty a week and they were impressed. I won't lie... it made me feel pretty good. Some days you just want to feel like you can do something right, when  you feel like you do everything else wrong.

 

The highlight of my day, other than watching my princess rolling from her back to her tummy constantly, was my Temptations dishes that I received from UPS this afternoon. My grandmother got sick of hearing me and my sister fight over who was getting her set, so she bought each of us our own set. I have the best grandmother, I swear it.

 

 

Aren't they gorgeous?!? I can't wait to put these babies to good use! Now I just have to clean out a cabinet to put them in... Dun... Dun.... Dunnn!

 

I hope everyone had a happy Monday! :)

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

It is the end of another day, and instead of doing school, like I should be doing, I find myself writing you this letter instead.

At this moment, my own baby girl -who has already woke up three times since eight o'clock- is snuggled in her little bed asleep. It has reached that time in the day that, no matter how rewarding being a stay at home mother is, I am glad my little angel is asleep. So while she is sleeping, for the moment, I just want to take the time to thank you.

I never really understood what being a mother was. Yes, I heard about it, the rewards and downsides, and yet it never really hits you until you are a full time stay at home mom yourself. Now, though, I know first hand.

I know now that the first few months of my own life, you probably didn't get much sleep either. There were days you probably just wanted to give the "time out" signal and take five, or ten, or an hour, and you probably felt bad about feeling that way, too. You probably felt like a human bottle and pacifier, if I was indeed as bad as you say I was with breastfeeding. Again... I know first hand how you feel now, and apologize for not taking a bottle.

You probably felt like a human burp-rag, a professional diaper changer, and a hobo some days from not having the time to fix your own hair. Between baby duties, house duties, and wifely duties, I can imagine that most days you felt lucky to have ten minutes of uninterrupted shower time.

I know I already said thank you, but I feel it is necessary to say it again.... Thanks Mom.

Thank you for the time you spent caring for me. For changing my diaper. Holding me when I cried. For playing "peek-a-boo". For the stories you read, the songs you sang, and the silly noises you made up hoping it would stop me from fussing. Thank you for the hours -if I was anything like Addy- you spent trying to get me to sleep... and to keep me asleep. Thank you for the feedings, the interrupted "me" time, and for doing it day after day.

As a stay-at-home-mom now, I can tell you that you job was taken way too lightly. You made sure we were taken care of, the house was clean (or as clean as you could keep it that day), that supper was on the table for dad, and then made sure you spent QT with him as well. You are one amazing woman, and I pray every day to be the mother and wife that you are.

I love you so much.

Thanks again,

-Your Daughter

My 3 month old... Addison Emmalee