Thursday, September 12, 2013

Still Learning at 24

Sorry for my absence. The past week I just haven't felt like writing, as much as I love it. I've been pretty blank, going through a lot mentally, emotionally, and obviously, physically. Pregnancy is no joke. I've also been going through a lot of spiritual things as well. So, needless to say, my desire to do...well anything really, has been pretty below par.

I'm realizing today that I'm never too old to learn things or in some cases re-learn them. I feel like God is doing a lot of that with me lately. I'm having to recondition myself to things I've known all of my life, that I grew up knowing and have just lacked applying them... and God is showing me new things about myself, forcing me to go through things I've never had to go through before.

The old cliche that "an old dog can't learn new tricks" is a lie. At 24 years old (which isn't all that old, really, but old enough to have a few experiences), I'm still learning and re-learning. I'm still having to bite the bullet, to lay down my pride in some matters, and to learn to apply all of those oh so simple words we grew up with to myself and my life.

Here are a few things that God has been teaching and re-teaching me...

#1. I cannot make it without him.

This should be a given. I know this. I grew up being taught that I could try to live life without him, but that when it comes down to true peace, true joy, true love, true happiness, I need him. I have probably felt my loneliest since I've been pregnant. I know that sounds weird, and I don't believe I've told anyone that yet, but it's the truth. I'm going through  physical changes that I know other people have gone through. I'm going through the relationship changes I know others have gone through. I'm going from working to being a stay at home mommy as others have done.... And yet I have never felt more utterly insecure, anxious, worried, weary, uncertain.... you get the idea. I look for the assurances from my husband, my mother and father, my sister... and as nice as they sound they can't give me what I truly need. I have to remember that no matter what, as long as I put God first, he has my back. He will take care of me and my husband. He will take care of our uncertain future. He will take care of my baby girl.

...for, lo, I am with you alway, even until the end of the world.
Matthew 28:20

#2. I have to let things go

As mentioned above, I am about to face an uncertainty I've never faced before. A stay at home mommy? Me? Yeah, I never thought I would be that, much less DESIRE to be that. People change, though. Their desires and circumstances change. So now I'll be quitting work to stay at home and take care of our little princess. I'm thrilled to be able to do that. However, now I'm facing being totally dependent on my husband. Since we've been married, we've both worked. We've both had incomes coming in. While I've been somewhat dependent on him for the main bills, I've still had my piece of independence with the little bit of money I made. Now we are facing living on one income. I honestly have no idea how this is going to work. I have internally debated again and again if this was the right thing, was this our only option, are we doing the right thing. I've been worrying and fretting and punching figures. I've been looking into and learning how to better save on groceries, diapers, anything really. I've even been doing my research on how to coupon, since I've never really been big into it. However, God is once again revealing to me, that I just have to let go. As mentioned above, if I continue to put him first in all things, he'll work it out. It may not be when or how I want it. It may not come as I thought it should. But he will work it out. I just need to let go and let him do his thing. It is a hard thing to do for someone who likes to know the how and when and why, but I'm just going to have to keep working at it... otherwise I'll be grey by the time I turn 25.

#3. Acceptance

I could have tied this into number 2, but I felt like in some ways, to me, it is separate, maybe because it stems from more personal issues. I am learning to accept things as they are. I'm learning to accept others as they are. I'm learning to accept situations as they are. And I'm learning to accept myself, as I am. I have to accept that I will never look like Miss America or be that perfect house-wife. I have to accept that people won't always do or act or be who I think they should. I have to accept that there are things that are going to happen that are going to hurt me, that I'm not going to like, and really I'm not going to know how to deal with at first or how to react to it. But I have to accept that it came and that it is over. This is another hard one for me. When things come at me, it almost feels like there is an instant replay going on in my head, from what happened to the way it made me feel. I will literally lay awake in bed for hours (as I did last night) and my mind just goes over and over and over until finally I am just too tired and fall asleep. Then I wake up the next morning feeling the after affects of whatever happened plus the lack of sleep. I've got to learn to accept that I can't change what happens. I can't change people. I can't change who I am and what I look like (essentially). I have to accept that what is...simply is.

#4. Forgiveness

I'm not sure which is harder... Asking Forgiveness or Granting it.
 There are times where it is easy to forgive people for something that they have done that has intentionally or unintentionally hurt you. Yet the hurt can leave scars. I'm not talking about abuse and physical wounds. There is damage that is done when someone hurts another that no one can see, but God. It leaves confusion. It leaves questions. It leaves anger and bitterness. How do you have the desire to forgive, and yet still feel all of the emotions that person's actions left you with?

I honestly don't have an answer to that question. What I do know is that forgiveness is necessary, not just for the other person, but for you as well. If you never try to forgive then...
One: It leaves you without Forgiveness. For how can you be forgiven if you can't give forgiveness?
Two: It leaves you without peace and will carry the hurt like a weight on your shoulders.

God never said that if you forgive you won't ever feel the hurt again. I don't read that in my Bible. However, I do believe that in time the hurt fades and the acceptance comes, which brings true forgiveness. One just has to remember the following:

-You are just as human as the person that hurt you
So in other words, you aren't perfect.

- You will eventually need forgiveness for something
because you are human (see above)

-You can't look for forgiveness if you have never given it
It kind of goes back to that "give and you shall receive thing".
I think that is something God took seriously.

I'm being pretty transparent on a public blogging site, and the reason for that is I hope that you realize that you are never to old to learn something new and you should not stop trying to learn things that are beneficial to you. God may be trying to teach you some of the things he is teaching me. My advice... let him. For he wants nothing but good for you. 

1 comment:

  1. I went through tons of different emotions while I was pregnant and towards the end I was feeling pretty down for some reason. Totally normal. And I agree, I think I learn something new every single day!