Breaking the Chains of Insecurity

I played softball at a rec park for four years.

I loved every minute of it.

I didn't start off as a great player, but I excelled quickly.

 

 

By my second year, I was one of the first picks during the drafts.

I'm not trying to sound conceited.

I'm just explaining that softball was something I was good at.

When I stepped onto that field, glove in hand, I owned it.

I knew what I was doing. I was confident.

When I was in my catcher's position or on first base I was practically at home.

 

Why am I saying all of this?

Because it was the one thing in life I knew I was good at, that I was confident in.

I didn't feel insecure in my playing or position or about my physical appearance.

(I was probably about 195 lbs. then, and left the field with an orange face from my catchers helmet)

 

If only it was that easy in all things?

 

I could name a million things that I'm not good at.

I could also name a million things that I don't try because I know I'm not good at them.

And I could name a million things I haven't tried or done because of physical insecurities.

 

Insecurities hold you back from so much.

I spent three years of high school being invisible and only spending time with people I knew and only doing things with those people that I knew. I didn't start stepping outside of my box until senior year, which meant I wasted three of those years because I was insecure and unsure.

 

 

I'm a lot better than I used to be. I came out of my shell a lot more my senior year and throughout college. However, I find that there are still a lot of things I still won't do or try, and all of fear.

 

Fear of failure

Fear of looking stupid

Fear of people seeing all the things that are wrong with me

Fear of people seeing me fail

Fear of putting myself out there

Fear, fear and more fear.

 

 

I've decided it is time to challenge that fear.

To break the chains of insecurities, and stop letting the fear of it all keep me from trying things.

 

Thinking of all of this brought on the idea of challenging myself.

It is easy to say that I will change, and never really try to do it.

So I thought of starting a 30 Days of Change Challenge for myself.

I'm not saying you can break a habit you have had your entire life in 30 days, but I have to start somewhere. The child that I will be holding in my arms come October has opened my eyes to a lot of revelations about myself, and has also brought on a lot of motivation. I don't want my daughter to grow up under a woman who is scared of doing and trying new things. Who is negative about herself and insecure/unsure. If I'm not good at something, that is okay.  But I at least want my daughter to see that I tried it, and if it didn't turn out the best, then that is okay. I can just try again. If I put on a few pounds or my face breaks out or whatever, I still want my daughter to see me being confident whether at home or out in public.

 

 

My challenge isn't specific.

I don't have an organized idea of change for each day.
And I'll repeat the same challenges on multiple days...

 

 like going out with less makeup.

That may not be a big deal to some people, but that is huge for me.

I've always had problem skin, and have scarring from it.

And lately, thanks to hormones and whatever else, I've been breaking again.

So I've always wanted to cover up, using makeup to hide what I have always seen as horrid flaws.

I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that makeup should be used to cover up what you think is ugly. Makeup should be used only to emphasize your natural beauty.

So the past few days I've only been going to work with just some bare mineral powder on to give my skin a chance to breathe and to force myself to accept the fact that this is my face, blemishes and all. It is the only one I got so I might as well accept it and love it for what it is and even for what it is not, while taking a little better care of it (makeup isn't always the best thing for your skin and sometimes it just needs a break).

 

Some people may not have the same insecurities that I do. However, whatever your insecurities are, I hope that you challenge yourself to break them. Insecurities have a way of controlling you without you even realizing it. They hold you back from trying things that you could end up enjoy doing and being good at. They force you into thinking that you aren't worth much or aren't beautiful enough. They place bars on your doors of opportunity, that should be freely and easily accessible.

 

 

 

Sorry for the serious posts this week... this week has been odd and full of self-revelations.

however, I hope in the process of my self-revelations that it helps, encourages, inspires, etc. someone else. It is hard stepping outside of one's comfort zone, but sometimes it is just necessary.

 

 





Learning to Love

I find it amazing how easy it can be to love people.

I love my husband, and I accept all the things that one might call flaws, even when I don't necessarily see it. The same goes with my parents, my sister and brother, my friends...

 

It is so easy to truly love someone and accept them for who they are...

Except for yourself.

 

 

 

The old saying that " you are your own worst critic" is completely true.

I look at myself and see everything I don't like.

I'm harder on myself than I am on anyone else.

I critique and bash every little thing I think is wrong.

 

 

 

 

In my mid-teens I was nearly 200 lbs. I was pretty active throughout that time, playing softball and such, but I never took care of what I ate and downed Mountain Dew like it was a liquid life support. The summer before my senior year, I got serious on trying to lose weight. I didn't even do anything too drastic. I started doing some workout videos on hand and stopped drinking regular sodas, switching to diet one's instead. I probably dropped ten to fifteen pounds before school started back.

 

From the summer of 2007 to the fall of 2008 I dropped almost fifty pounds, going from a size 14/16 to a size 6/8. Of course, I worked my but off then, hitting the gym nearly every night, because I had time to do that. Know what the sad part is? I never really took the time to really appreciate what I had done. I still remember thinking that I was still pudgy, that my flab was overlapping my new shorts.

 

Pregnancy has forced me to put back on a lot of that weight I lost. As much as I love the little girl growing inside of me, I have moments of panic that I won't be able to get it back off like before. However, I'm also realizing that I don't want my little girl growing up with a complex like I have.

 

I was always a bigger girl, even when I was little. I was bigger than most of my friends and cousins. My sister and I got into the habit since we've been older where we just talk negatively about ourselves. We didn't realize the effects it would have on those around us, like my oldest niece who just turned ten. The first time we heard her say something about being fat I think she was six or seven. I think my sister and I both nearly flipped a freaking wig. We instantly realized that our negativity could have rubbed off on this sensitive, impressionable little girl.

 

Since then I think we've been more cautious about what we say in front of her, and I realized that If I don't change my outlook and language about myself, then my own little girl may pick up on such negativity about herself as well.

 

 

 

After all, how do you tell someone that they are beautiful just the way they are, but hold yourself to a different standard? How do you help your child love themselves, mind body and spirit, if you can't seem to do that as well? I want my little girl to grow up confident no matter how she looks on the outside. I want her inner beauty to be just as important as the outer. I want her to love being her, and to enjoy each phase of her life without obsessing about the physical, because it really isn't the MOST important thing. I want her to take care of herself, yes. But I don't want her counting every calorie and freaking out over every breakout. I don't want her to constantly compare herself to others and think she is lacking something.

 

It is important that I change my outlook, so that my daughter's outlook growing up will not be as skewed as mine was/is. Your beauty shouldn't be based on how much you look like a model or how many boys will like you. Your beauty should be based on your integrity, your personality, and how well you take care of yourself, not physical perfection.

 

Maybe you have never had this problem, but I know others, like myself, have.

I hope to remember that there is more to life than "being thin" and "perfect skin".

Those are nice and there is nothing wrong with either, but it isn't everything.

Life is what you make it, and I want my daughter's memory to be mommy being confident, loving who she is as a person not obsessing about being the media's definition of beauty.

I want to learn to love....myself.

To be confident in myself.

To look at myself as a healthy, beautiful woman... not because I'm perfect, but because I'm imperfect and there is still something beautiful about that.

 

So here is to all of us, learning to love.

 

 

 

Paranoid Future Mommy...

 

 

Did the ultrasound Tech tell me right?

Was it too soon to tell if it was a boy or a girl?

What if they got it WRONG?!?

 

I'm not sure if it is just me

OR

if every expecting mother thinks this...

 

This past weekend, the painting on our very, tiny nursery was completed.

Three beautiful white walls with one wonderfully stripped coral wall now adorns our daughters little room. I stood there for the longest time, after being surprised by its completion, just staring at it in awe. I think because it was just another one of those, "this is getting real" moments. For the most part of our married life we either didn't have an extra bedroom or the extra bedroom was a "blah" junk room. So having the walls repainted, the curtain rod and blinds up, and the crib now in there has me mentally "Oh My God-ing" the whole thing.

 

It's small, but that's Ok.

 

 

Of course, then I'm talking to a person who mentions knowing someone who had been told they were having a girl and out pops a boy.

 

So then I'm having a mild panic attack...

 

What if I was told I was having a girl, and by some weirdo mistake, I'm really having a boy.

All I have at the moment is girl clothes.

And the walls are painted white and coral!

Sure, the pack-n-play and travel system are gender neutral,

but nothing else is.

 

 

Maybe I'm being overly paranoid.

Has anyone else had this paranoid fear that you are going to give birth to the opposite of what you were expecting?

Feeling Beautiful with a Bump

I will be the first to say that this feeling has been pretty much non-existent during my pregnancy.

 

I love the fact that my own child is growing inside of me.

I love to feel her move, and the process of growing a baby inside you IS beautiful.

But feeling beautiful?... that's a big negative.

 

I'm sure most pregnant women feel that way.

Not all pregnant women, but most of them.

 

Unfortunately I don't fall in the category of women where I truly feel beautiful.

Between the weight gain, the breakouts, and all the other weird crap that happens to you during pregnancy, I'm not sure I know what feeling beautiful feels like anymore.

 

The moments I'm kind of feeling it, and want a picture to capture the wonderful moment of feeling anything but Pregnant, the camera likes to tell me otherwise.

 

Don't you just hate that?

There you are feeling pretty good, thinking everything looks decent...

Then you take a picture and you are like--gross!

 

I'm ranting, I know.

But that's ok, because I know I'm probably ranting for fifty percent of the pregnancy population.

Plus, I would go through all of the feelings, emotions and physical pain, because I know it will be one hundred percent worth it when I hold my little princess in my arms.

So without further ado... Updated Baby Bump Photos.

 

23 weeks

26 weeks

Hope you guys have a great Thursday!



The Prodigal Blogger

I have totally been off the blog scene for a while.

I decided a few weeks ago to take a short break from my blog.

Things have been kind of crazy, and pregnancy totally has me feeling off...

Like, not myself.

 

Add in no clothes fitting, breakouts, stress, worry, anxiety, etc.

 

PLUS

 

My husbands stress worries, anxiety, and aggravation with work,

 

PLUS

 

Weirdo weekends, Holiday's, power outages, extreme exhaustion, and hip pain...

 

 

I'm sure the list could continue, but really, I'll spare you.

I still don't quite feel myself these days. This waiting game where you KNOW something BIG is about to happen, but you are just... waiting for it to get here; it has me thrown all off kilter.

 

So there is the why for my missing blogger status. However, I've missed it. Blogging has kind of become and outlet for me. I may not have a whole lot of interesting things to show you or report on, and my life may not be full of celebrity events and great organization tips (I have to steal those from Pinterest for my own home), but its my blog and I enjoy writing... even if its about nothing.

 

So in other words.... I'm back! :)

New Posts coming soon...

-New Recipe's

-Baby Bedroom Decorating

-Baby Bumps

-Trip to the In-Laws

 

Have a Great Day! :)

 



What I'm Loving...

I've been out of Blogger land for the past few days. Monday I ended up staying home from work, after being up sick all night. I'm guessing something I ate Sunday night didn't sit well. I was up until after four a.m. and was like "screw work" that day.   And then yesterday, I was just too out of it to come up with anything to write. However, I am back today. Woo-hoo!   We had a good Father's Day weekend. My in-laws came in and spent the weekend with us. They even brought gifts for Addison.  

   I'm so in love with this Pack n Play. They bought this for us, which came with the matching Travel System, and hauled it all the way down here. The design isn't girly, I know, but that is how I wanted it. I wanted something a little more gender neutral for any future boy we had. They also bought some super, duper cute outfits for our little girl.   I've also been picking up on my crocheting again! But I'll do a separate post on that later.   So typically on Wednesday I do OHP, but today I decided to switch it up and link up for What I'm Loving Wednesday....  

Click here for the link-up

 

I'm Loving...

apple slices and caramel dip.

For some reason, I'm loving that for a snack.

 

I'm Loving...

this color yarn in "Fruit Punch"



 

 

I'm Loving...

the feeling of my little girl moving around in my tummy.

At night I want her to be still, but I still love feeling her.

 

I'm Loving...

that my next appointment is nearly here.

I love hearing my baby's little heartbeat.

 

I'm Loving...

my husband, very much.

I couldn't have asked for a better man.

 

 

 

I'm Loving...

My best frister (friend/sister).

This picture cracks me up!

 



  I'm Loving... Taco Stuffed Shells. I made it for dinner last night. #Yummy   I'm Loving... Maternity clothes. Thank you Jesus for an awesome friend who lends them to you. I have no idea what I would have done without them.   I hope you all have a great Wednesday!

Hobbies for Opposites

Ever hear the phrase, "Opposite Attract"?

I'm a believer that, in most cases, this is totally true.

 

My husband and I have a lot in common in some ways,

and then are polar opposites in others.

For example:

 

He enjoys gardening. Me... Not so much.

 

I enjoy reading. Him... Not at all.

 

He enjoys hunting in general. Me... I'm not a deer hunter.

I can't sit still that long. I could squirrel hunt, though.

 

I enjoy consignment shopping. Him...He's more of a Flea Market,

one-stop-shop kind of man.

 

I put the toilet paper on one way (the right way),

and he puts it on the other.

 

Trust me, the list could go on.

The one thing that we definitely have in common, is that we love to spend time with each other. It is just finding something that we both can enjoy doing together.

We tried to come up with something last night, and of course,

we both came up blank.

 

So I do what I always do when I'm coming up blank;

I Googled it.

 

These were the ideas that Google brought me to.

 

Geocaching

I just recently heard about this one, because some guy is always in our parking lot, supposedly doing this. I'm not sure how he has so much time on his hands that he does this on a daily basis and always ends up in our office parking lot. I digress. This is basically like one big scavenger hunt, using a GPS. I've only done a small amount of research on it, but basically you go and find these coordinates that take you to some landmark, or in some cases, something that was left in that specific spot, and then mark it saying you done it on your GPS. While I'm not one hundred percent sure I would be into this, it would be something different from the general, dinner/movie date. I'm willing to try something new, and who knows, maybe it will be something we both like.

 

Snorkeling.

I do actually enjoy doing this. I've done it twice, once just for fun at the springs down the road, and the second time I was scalloping. Both times I've loved it. This would be something cheap we could do. All we would need is to buy the gear, and then spend a few bucks going to wherever we want to snorkel.

 

Fishing

This is a given. I'm married to a country boy who loves to fish. I grew up with a fishing pole in my hand, so I don't mind it. Its not something I want to do constantly, but I always enjoy when I go with him. Not a big guy group, but with him. I think one reason I love going with him is because I get to see how much he enjoys it. He's such a hard worker, that I love watching him be able to do something that he loves and that relaxes him.

 

Collecting

My husband is pretty sentimental when it comes to things. He has a stamp collection that his dad (or someone) started that he refuses to get rid of. He has a whole box of baseball cards. He has the map coin collection (you know, the 50 states map that became big while we were kids?), with all 50 coins. I want to say that his dad collected coins as well and he has some of those. The only thing I've ever collected consistently was notes from my friends that we passed back and forth during the school days LOL. However, this could be something we could start and then include our children on it eventually. The time spent looking together would make it worth while.

 

Rock Climbing

I have never done this, and I'm not sure if he has or not or even if he would be interesting. But it came up in my Google search and intrigued me. I've always wanted to do the indoor rock climbing, especially after watching people do it on TV. Turns out there is one conveniently located near us. This may not be an all the time hobby, but maybe something once or twice a month, especially after Addison is born.

 

I haven't had the chance to discuss any of these with him,

so I have no idea if any of it is something he would be interested in or not...other than the fishing.

However, its worth a shot.

I want to find something we can do together, just the two of us.

We've found that we don't have much of a life outside of work and church.

Most evenings are spent at home cleaning for me, gardening for him, and watching TV.

So, obviously, we need something.

If you guys have any ideas on things that we can do together please let me know!